"Please speak clearly into the clown's mouth"

Recently it has come to my attention that there are businesses that will bring you to a table with comfortable chairs and give you a list of different food options. Then, a nice young woman or man will come up, let each person select something different from that list of options. They will then trot off to an unseen kitchen from which warm food will emerge just minutes later. But what really beats all is that when you finish eating, they remove the dirty dishes and you never have to see them again.

Of course, there is a nominal fee for this practice, but what price can be put on a meal that is of each person's choosing, not prepared by me, and cleaned up by someone else? Nirvana!

Our meals not prepared at home are typically purchased at a drive through with a perpetually sullen employee over a bad speaker. No matter how organized I am Ronald McSurly always has me repeat the order endlessly. I think the only joy in the minimum wage day may be clustering around the speaker wagering how many times they can get me to repeat the whole order before I surrender and order "just give me two big bags of whatever".

We pull forward, pay at the first window, but then the system starts to teeter. The size of our family invariably results in us being asked to "pull ahead" until they can complete the sizable task. I completely understand why. After all, we are ordering food at appropriate meal times and though large, is probably the equivalent of two, maybe three cars worth of orders. One time, I tried smiling sweetly and saying, "I'll wait here" thinking it would speed them up. There was a quick huddle with the employees and then the manager came and asked me to pull ahead. At that point I felt compliant since I wasn't sure what kind of special sauce might be added to our order.

Of course, we are always asked if we want ketchup. No, no, no, please do not give us ketchup. I am begging you to not put any of those little pillows of destruction within my children's reach. And still, one of the kids will locate one of those mini-monsters and redecorate some part of the tan interior of the Yukon. Why ask? I could just put all the windows down and they could use a Super Soaker and just shoot through the windows. That would be more efficient and yield the same results.

Now, let's move on to the "free toy". Free, my wide-white-rear, there is NOTHING free about those plastic land mines. First, if they are not identical toys there is arguing, pouting and general dismay about how my brother got a better piece of turd than I did. Eventually, though never that day, those sweet little nothings make their way into my home, where the children contemplate their best placement so that I trip and fall down the stairs or into a wall when I step on them at 2 o'clock in the morning.

In short, I think I may try out these restaurant places. They sound kind of cool. Plus, judging by what other people tell me, it is possible to leave the children with some sort of mildly disturbed individual who thinks it is fun to earn money by spending time alone with my kids while The Monk and I try out a restaurant alone.

Sounds great!